Readers' blog comments and emails helped decide choice for my chief garden staffer

No wonder business people say personnel issues rank among their greatest challenges.

Advertising for the job, sorting the resumes, interviewing the most qualified applicants, and making the final hiring decision can all be stressful – and they're dealing with human beings. Imagine how stress levels would rocket into the red zone if the only employment choices were a couple of cats. This – the cat factor – is the muddle I faced as I considered a shakeup in my garden staff.

My current chief staffer, Benjamin BadKitten, a black and brown Maine coon cat, has four years' experience on the job, but this summer he has mostly been a no-show, in daylight hours, at least. He has developed a paunch but no new level of maturity. He still poops in the garden beds, clambers onto my lap while I'm planting or weeding, and demands unlimited attention. Lately, he has been spending more and more time sprawled near his best buddy, our elderly Old English sheepdog, Rags. Those two bonded from the moment we brought Ben home as a tiny kitten. Our normally rambunctious young sheepdog laid a gentle paw on Benjamin's tail, licked his little kitten face, and seemed to smile. The baby BadKitten returned the affection, and this odd couple is still devoted to each other nearly ten years later.

The other applicant is our 14-year-old calico, Tessa the Vague, who stumbled – literally – into consideration when she finally learned to use the cat door. She tripped going down the steps and ended up in the flower garden. She blinked her lovely, jade green eyes, as luminous and empty as marbles, and cautiously tiptoed through the phlox. Unfortunately I was watering the phlox at the time, and by the time Tessa mentally connected the dots between the garden hose and the water lapping about, her paws were soaked and her cognitive capacity had maxed out.

See why I asked you faithful readers to help me decide between those two? And you really did help. Below are some of your thoughts, sent in emails or comments on my Impetuous Gardener blog:

A former personnel manager, who reads my blog from her home in Iowa, wrote: “Tessa sounds like a good companion...but Benjamin may need to up his game to keep his spot as chief staffer. I might need to know the qualifications of your staff positions to make a more effective choice. Is there any need of guarding the garden? Or...knowing where it is? These are important considerations."

 

With Tessa in the competition, knowing where the garden is becomes a crucial requirement. As for guarding the garden, early this summer Benjamin cowered in the pea patch while a pair of quail checked out the newly planted beans and sampled the seeds. (Of course, I'm not at all sure Tessa is even aware of the winged, flying species.)

Patricia Raamot of Pullman succinctly captured my dilemma: “I think Benjamin is out. Why is he lying around so much? The heat? Has he seen a vet? Tessa sounds hopeless. Regarding the zucchini, [Writer's note: I often complain about my zucchini,] I suggested the food bank two years ago. I am 79, and paying $1 for two skinny ones in the store is silly. If I lived in Moscow, I would be over. (In Pullman, no transportation.)” She also included a tasty-sounding recipe for zucchini, which I think even my husband will like.

Anne Shearer, president of the Moscow Garden Club and her kitty, Minnie, both voted for Benjamin. “Tessa sounds like she is too vague, and we feel she isn't really up to the demands of the position. “

Ginny McConnell of Troy wrote, “One more in the plus column for at least a temporary position for Tessa the Vague as Chief Garden Staffer. The BadKitten is needed as a support for his buddy Rags, who now needs him more than ever. He doesn't have time to supervise a garden, as well. Possibly that is the reason he has neglected it. ( I'm putting a positive spin on his laziness!). You know I'm a BIG fan of the BadKitten, but I think it would be a great lesson to him if he were replaced, even if temporarily, by the slow-learning but extremely accommodating Tessa. It should inspire him to try to gain back his old position. When a baseball closer is blowing saves, he is replaced until the manager thinks he has gotten his form back. Benjamin has taken his role for granted and abused it. He needs to be taught this valuable lesson. (And it will add another character to your narrative – how fun! We will get to know Tessa, who has a completely different personality from Ben's. I can only imagine the conniving BadKitten pulling stunts to sabotage Tessa's reign.)"

 

Truer words have seldom been written, BadKitten-wise.

Benjamin trailed early, but his fans poured it on this week to make the final vote very close. The following dictated statement announces the outcome:

 

 “I, Benjamin BadKitten, have begun a voluntary sabbatical leave from the high-stress duties of my permanent position as Chief Staffer of the Rozen Gardens. Although I have been maligned in print, my sabbatical will center on spending more time with my family (all traitors, except my sheepdog.) I wish that dodo-brained interloper, Tessa the Vague, all kinds of luck (she'll need it.) I will, of course, do everything I can to subvert – I mean support – her as she bumbles around in the garden where I have popped and peed for four years. It's mine, and I will return!”