April
2
Faithful
readers, we have to step out of the garden for today's column. Please
loudly hum the CNN fanfare that precedes breaking political news: A
spokeswoman for presidential candidate (in his own mind) Benjamin
BadKitten announced today the receipt of an unexpected cash donation
to his PAC (political action committee.)The mail-in donation was
addressed to Benjamin BadKitten PAC, c/o Rozen at the candidate's
home. One dime and five pennies were taped to the enclosed note and
arranged in a pyramid design. The donor's message read: “To BBK: In
your campaign for a Presidential nomination, your campaign must have
more funds. TV& newspaper ads are costly. The generous donation
enclosed should put you over the top.” The 88-year-old mega-donor received a
phone call of thanks from the BadKitten's spokeswoman and manager of the BBK PAC.
BadKitten's
spokeswoman noted that the campaign is diligent about following all
pertinent federal, state and intergalactic election laws and is
meticulous about updating its donors' list as the money rolls in.
Besides the cash haul from MegaDonor, BBK also receives weekly in-kind
contributions of canned and dry cat food,which he shares with his two
feline associates, Tessa the Vague and Abigail Grump. Both cats have
been lobbying for appointment to Cabinet posts. Ms. Vague is angling
for the cabinet spot where the cat food is stored. Ms. Grump is eager
for a position away from the riffraff, where she can lie under a
flowering phlox plant, consider environmental policy, and meow
crabbily if anybody walks too close to her napping spot.
BBK's
choice for secretary of state, Winston Ragsdorf Rozen (an elderly Old
English sheepdog, known to his friends as Rags) must decide whether
his health will allow him to accept such a stressful position. Rags
has barely recovered from the anxiety of having his food and water
bowls moved during an ongoing remodeling project. But he is the only
one who can calm the BadKitten during a crisis or return him to
reality. BBK's spokeswoman has been counting on Rags to persuade the
candidate to abandon his latest delusion and retire from politics on
his own terms, instead of letting the voters do it for him. But now
that big money is in his PAC, the egocentric politician might decide
to continue his head trip for awhile longer.
With
the receipt of this significant bankroll, the BadKitten expects more
donations to flood the Rozen mail slot. (Everybody loves a winner, no
matter how unsuited the “winner” is to be leader of the free
world.) Because of MegaDonor's intelligence, wisdom, and perspicacity –
and not, of course, because of the donated moolah – President-to-be
BadKitten has offered her first choice of an
ambassadorial post. MegaDonor has chosen Bangladesh, and is doubtless
already compiling a travel list of suitable clothing and accessories
for her upcoming diplomatic assignment.
While
the candidate hallucinates, he has tasked his spokeswoman to come up
with a catchy name for his PAC: a name that will inspire trust, hope,
and fat wallets. His spokeswoman, however, is more concerned about
her candidate's own increasingly fat silhouette. Since he began
sampling the in-kind donations of canned cat food (purchased
originally to improve the health of Tessa the Vague,) the BadKitten
has grown downright tubby. When his spokeswoman suggested a PAC
slogan politically refreshing in its honesty, her boss gave it an
emphatic four paws down. What's wrong with “Finally, you can be a
fat cat AND vote for a fat cat. A real cat. And fat, too”?
Note
to readers: My BadKitten's first real donor is a personal
friend, who made her donation of 15 cents in a spirit of humor and
fun. Any donations BBK receives – and I wouldn't recommend
encouraging him – will be donated to a local animal welfare
organization.
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